So, it's 40 minutes to 2012 (yes I'm home with the family on New Year's Eve, don't judge). I still can't believe how fast this year has gone by. Given a chance, I'd go through this year again willingly, despite the madness that was A Levels. Of course part of why I'd redo this year would be to redo the A Levels, cos I know that I could have done much better if I hadn't procrastinated so much. But also, this year was a good year. Sure it had its downs, but this year was good because I found myself, found things, learnt more about life, met some amazing people. It's quite funny how each year that I have a crucial exam, the year turns out to be the best years that I've ever lived in all of my existence. I guess it's cos each time I go through a crucial exam, I grow up and mature just a little bit. And it's like each time I grow, there are these moments that are created. Together with the experiences that I've gone through this year, what with the A Levels and being 18, many good moments were created this year. And what's a good year without good moments? How else can a year be defined without these moments? That's why I think this year has been a good year. Yeah there were horrible moments, sad moments also but I think at the end of the day, all I'll remember is the good moments and this year, good moments triumphs over everything else.

The other night, we had a post-Christmas class gathering at Bridget's house (okay more like half of the class, but it's this half of the class that has always been around, that I've known for the past 2 years) and I remembered why I loved SD4 in the first place, back in happier (J1) times. We're not all that close, but we make each other happy/laugh and it's perhaps this slight distance between us that makes it comfortable between us. No cliques among the 13-14 of us, and of course the sheer size of this group makes it hard to be close to each other, yet we all know each other, accept each other despite our huge-ass differences. I'm the sole Arts kid in the group, and it's often kinda hard to talk about things when school matters seems to be on everyone's minds - their Chem/Geog/Econs talk vs my History (sometimes Lit) talk. And yet with them I feel like I belong. And that's exactly what I'm thankful for - a place, a small family I belong to. Or belonged to, in my time at AC. I'm not sad that I'm not close to the other Arts kids in my class, who are all essentially Drama kids and therefore didn't have time to spend with the rest of us. I'm sad that I'm not in a History class for sure, I'm sad that Charm and Ada were the only other 2 people in class who took History with me and that they didn't love History as much as I did and therefore I couldn't talk/study History as much I wanted to. I'm sad that there were only 7 of us taking Lit in class and therefore couldn't talk/study Lit as much as I wanted to either. But all the same, I could have ended up being surrounded by shitty people in a strange school (with boys); instead, I ended up in a class with very few boys and very nice people who make me laugh and who accepts each other, making my transition from a 10-year-IJ-girl to an AC kid a smooth one, and for that I'm thankful. Anyway, there we were playing Taboo, and XX happened to pick a card that said "cultures", and so she screamed "WHAT ARIEL WANTS TO STUDY" and that made me laugh like mad because it's exactly what I wanna study - cultures, put simply, not Anthropology per se cos the scientific part of it doesn't interest me the least bit. And I just went all "Awwwwwwww" in my heart because it's amazing how even though no one knows what the hell Anthro is, they all know precisely what I like - cultures (of course this Taboo incident isn't the only evidence that my classmates know what I like). Next week we're having a class chalet (haha more like just the 13 of us again but that's what makes it more comfortable) and I'm kinda excited about it! Surprisingly. It'll be my first chalet and I'm kinda freaked out about that but I'll be with SD4 and post-A Levels calls for new adventures!

Anyway, in the last few posts I've kinda briefly summed up this year - the things I'm thankful for, the things I've learnt, various memories. I realised this blog has subconsciously been a way for me to store these things, memories, moments that I wanna remember for life. It's why I've kept this blog since I was a silly childish P5 (the Simple Plan title in my blog URL says it all), I wanna remember all these things, memories, moments even when I'm 70 years old and dying. And I only just figured out the purpose I've kept this blog all along. I've never explicitly thought about my blog as a storage system for memories, up until now. But it all just proves my sentimental character, as well as my growing ability to figure out who I am and what I'm like. It's official then, I am growing up after all.

I'm glad I survived this year at all. I went through the A Levels, I didn't break down or fall into depression or whatever emo shit adolescents go through when facing tough trials in life like the A Levels. And I have friends, teachers, God, music to thank. Ah music, the one thing that really saw me through all times this year. Death Cab, Stars, Bon Iver, Kings of Convenience, Snow Patrol, Rachael Yamagata, Belle and Sebastian and Damien Rice have accompanied me the most throughout this year (as well as Arcade Fire, The Killers, Radiohead and Oasis whenever I'm feeling slightly angstier). And 2 quotes (or 2 songs) in particular, have kept me going through the challenge of the A Levels.

"Live through this and you won't look back" - Stars' Your Ex-Lover Is Dead
Cut out and pasted on the wall in my room; also written on the cover of my SEA History revision package that was my daily bible (together with my IH revision package but the cover didn't have space for me to write lyrics for motivation) from July up til the A Levels; also written all over several of my school notes

"Have heart my dear, we're bound to be afraid" - Snow Patrol's Run
Written on the cover of my SEA History 64-essay package; also written all over several of my school notes

I think I'll hold on dearly to these 2 quotes (and songs) in my heart throughout all of life's challenges :') What would I do without my music, seriously? They were literally in every moment of my year. Riding in the bus/car, playing in my head throughout lectures/tutorials, writing lyrics all over my school notes and tweets, when I'm on the computer, when I'm studying. Especially when I'm studying. Everytime I study, I'll be listening to my music and tweeting lyrics. And then people (especially Ho Kit) will tell me off, tell me to stop listening to my music and concentrate on my studying. Which is probably for my own good. So I try and study without music. But then I get sleepy and unmotivated and I start listening to my music again. Everyone doesn't believe me when I say that music helps me study!!! Because everyone else can't listen to music when they study. But music, it's really the only thing that kept me going throughout the A Levels. And I don't know how I would have gotten through the year without my music or my favourite bands/singers.

This year, I also learnt a lot more about humanity's shortcomings. The notions I once held of adults knowing everything in life with all their wisdom and experiences, you soon realise that like you and I, they are only human after all and they don't know the answers to everything in life. The parents you once thought would be selfless in protecting you against all of life's harshnesses and dangers, sacrifice anything to keep you safe and happy; the family you once thought would make you feel like you belong in a place called home and whom you could trust to be around you 24/7; the teachers you once trusted to get you your A grades and teach you everything about life and how to live it - you soon realise that they are not invincible and perfect like you thought they were, they have their own (selfish) interests to bear in mind, their own backs to look out for, their own lives to lead and their own experiences to go through and learn, their laziness and irresponsibility and ignorance comes through despite the great and strong exterior they might possess, and most importantly, like you and I, they must have some temper. We are a sad species, human beings. We don't know the answers to life, we can't control things in life, we try to be perfect for others and for ourselves but in the end we can only let ourselves and others down. At this point, I question the point and the role of adults. What's the point of adults when they can't change the world and make it a better place for everyone? I guess my little girl notions of who adults are supposed to be are slowly crumbling. Once, they were meant to keep the world a safe and happy place for children to live in. Because isn't that what you're taught from young? The old policemen will be there to catch bad people, the parents will be there to keep you safe from harm and sadness, the older people as well as teachers will be there to guide and teach you the way of life. But then you realise it's all a lie. No one can make the world a better, happier, safer place. Adults can warn you about all of life's dangers, but they can't teach you how to avoid such dangers cos they can't stop these things from happening to themselves even. Heartbreak, illnesses, sadness, poverty, pain and suffering - no one is immune. And so I question the role of adults. I don't wanna turn into one when I can't even lead and control my own life, yet alone make the world a better place for everyone else.

And just like that, it's 2012. And we are unable to stop this from happening. So this is the new year, and I don't feel any different. This year, it's really the start of something new for me. A fresh chapter to write in my life, new adventures to go through, new memories to be created, new paths to take on. This year, I'm no longer a student protected by the routine Singapore education system with standard SEAB/Cambridge exams to sit for, with a real and tangible goal set in place at the end of the line (aka doing well for the O/A Levels). This year, my student concessions end, I turn 19, I hafta deal with my A Level results like a mature grown-up, I hafta choose my uni and my degree and essentially carve out my own career and my future. It's fucking scary, it's like I'm all alone in this and no one else can show me the way in which I must go. And it's like I officially hafta declare my identity this year, in growing up and in choosing my future. But there are so many possibilities out there to choose, and life is ever so unpredictable, and I'm ever so fickle-minded in my decisions, so what now? All the same, 2012 must happen and I must choose my own way and carve out my identity and my future. The world spins madly on, time won't stop for me to figure out my life and so all I can do is follow my heart in creating my new adventure and in marking out my place in this world.

Happy new year, y'all. Hopefully 2012 marks the start of something good for everyone. I hope I find myself out there in this crazy society we live in. I hope you find yourself, your identity, your passions in 2012. I hope we'll all be happy in 2012. Goodbye 2011, you've been one damn fucking amazing year and I mean this with every fibre of my being because I'll look back on 2011 always and remember the amazing moments I had.

11:43 PM;